A Year Today

I remember you as a
babysitter, painting our nails
and romping around outside.
Teaching me to somersault,
cartwheel and do handstands.

I remember mud pies and
tree forts in Lapeer. 3 Ninjas
and late night snacks on
the living room floor on a
massive blanket pile.

I remember your first
basketball belly, how excited
you were. The first time
I got to hold the baby and seeing
that huge smile on your face.

I remember when you called
from jail and asked us to pick
you up that first time
after too hard a party night.

I remember the day we came
to get Trinity after the fight -
he bashed you with a chair
till you stabbed his hand.
Baby Trinity screaming in
her carseat the whole time.

I remember taking you to rehab
that first time....and the fifth.
When you said you were done
with that life, Marines boot camp
came next. That started to
shape you into the woman you became.

I remember how you took me aside
when my parents thought I was in
trouble and told me not to make
the mistakes you did. I believed you.

I believed you when you said
you'd changed, that you'd left that
life behind.
No more drugs,
No more abuse taken,
No more lies,
No more running,
No more neglect.

How could you lie to me?
To all of us?

I believed you.
We all believed you.

I remember the last time
I saw you - Ciara's birthday.
Anxious from the work day,
I fed and napped with the baby
and sent you out to mingle.
We talked for a while before,
but I wish it was longer.

What I'd give for just one more minute with you.

I remember when that call came;
It was 1:52pm. While we sat smoking
and talking in his laundry room,
my phone started
ringing - text, text - ringing, ringing - text.
I said I'd get it later, but it didn't stop.

I answered.

"Andrea's dead."

Those words hit me like a
shrapnel grenade to the chest.
Maybe a sick prank? No...no.
My heart sank as I fell to the floor.
Gone....how could you be gone?

When I was told how you left us,
I couldn't process at first....
then I lost it. I was so angry.
The toxicology? All those drugs again?
The knife? How could you?!

You left 5 siblings, 6 adopted one's,
7 children, parents, and a husband!

You left us and you didn't care.
You didn't think about the consequences
you'd leave in your absence, the
mess we'd have to take care of.

I miss you to the point where
I hate you, at times.
Your number still stares at me,
unable to be deleted.
I miss you.
I love you.
My big sister - Andrea.

Lost Words

the Whirlwind, ever stirring
Unwanted words and Thoughts
never Caring to slow or
see the Pain it leaves In
Its wake -

Why should It?
What would It change?
Would It care, would It reassert Itself
somewhere else?

No.

it never ceases - not Completely -
Its pulse slows to
nearly Dead, but Never does
It fail to Breathe

violent Tornados spin
Faster
faster
always faster -
Sometimes the Words get lost,
can't grab Them to
Save me - They're out of my Control -
lost for now,
Lost forever?

how can I stop It?
When is it Time to Lose?
Why is It so hard to grab Onto
the Pieces?

let me Go - stop the Whirling
Let me Find the Words to speak Again.