Beautifully Hidden From You

I've been wondering a lot of things lately and trying to figure everything out, but it's just not been going the way it needs to be going.  I've been struggling with whether or not God's still there for me or if He's run away like everyone eventually tends to do.  Well, I can't say /everyone/....most everyone, I'll say instead.  

A heart can only hold so much pain and tolerate so much crap.  I've about reached my capacity, but I can't break.  I can't fall.  I have to stay strong for my family and my friends.  Hiding seems to be my only option, yet even when I do that, someone seems to find me.

Beautifully Hidden From You

Hiding in this secret place,

I find You.

Shying away from the word's chaos,

I hear You.

Laying in the darkness,

I feel You.

Eyes blurred and swollen with tears,

I see You.

I find You when I'm hiding from You,

I hear You when I'm not listening.

I feel You when I'm anti-touch,

I see You when I'm blind to everything.

-Fearful to be found as messy as I am, 

The Seeker finds and calls me beautiful.

-Deaf to the world and those who care,

I hear the words He speaks so clearly.

-Afraid of being touched and hurt again,

I feel the arms of The Comforter wrap tightly around me.

-Ignorant of all the beauty around me and the faces in need of grace and love,

I see You in all Your beauty and love.

I find You when I'm running

and wanting to escape it all.

I hear You in the wind's mighty howl, in the storm's raging tears, 

in the dancing trees and the tranquility of the flowers

and in all kinds of nature.

I feel you when I push all others away;

You remain with an unmatched stubbornness.

I see You breaking me down and

tearing through my walls and

I see You as a blinding light through 

my unrelenting, never-ending darkness.

Find me, heal me.

Hear me, love me.

Comfort me, care for me.

See me, help me.

Never leave me; stay here with me.

Guide me through this shadowed wood 

to the twinkle at the boarder.

Until our next encounter,

Lauren

Unspoken And Jumbled Thoughts Finally Brought Into View

Lately there's been a lot of things changing in my life and around me.  I'm not sure where to begin here, so I guess this will just be a jumbled blog.  If you can't follow along, then it's not meant for you to read.

I've begun to delve deeper into regions of my mind I've left vacant for far too long and, as a result, I've been seeing things I should have seen long ago, but was too self-absorbed in my own pain to notice.  Never have I been more observant and using my gifts of reading people than now and I'm not in complete control of it at this point in time.
Every day I feel you hurting more and every day I know that you keep silent despite what you should be doing and saying.  Though you avoid me like the plague and never say more than a text or two worth of words at a time to me, I still understand what's going through your head....to a degree.  I cannot say any more how badly I want to listen to you and help you.  I cannot stress any more that I'm here and I don't plan on leaving until you tell me "Leave me alone and never come back!"  At that point, yes, I will respect you and leave, but until then, no; I'm staying and I'll do what I have to to make you see that I care and I'm not like everyone else!  Do you understand that?  Can you let yourself think, know, for one damn minute that someone actually cares and WANTS to help?  That someone DOESN'T want to use you as a scratching post to comfort their own wounds??

I'm at a loss for any other words to say to you.....I don't know what else to say or do to help you, to show you that I'm here, that I'm ready to listen, ready to guide you through this, and ready to stay by your side and wait until you feel you can stand again.  I just don't know...
This is the way I feel and that won't change unless you make it change.  Please listen...it's the only words I have left right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4RcLYUvImI

I've become so numb to my own situation(s) at this point that helping others is all I have anymore and when that's taken, or withheld, if you will, from me, I'm at a complete loss.  A part of me is still alive and ready for anything while the other part of me hides away, crouched in the darkest corner of my mind, shaking and unmoving.  My heart's been torn so many ways, yet I will never let any of you know.  Never.  You will never know, never see, how hurt I am or how many times I literally bite my tongue against a whirlwind of words.

And right there's where I'll bite my tongue once more.  I will not write like this again.  The next blog I write will be in the usual pattern you're all used to seeing here and I will once again hide and wait for someone to REALLY see me.

Throwing Lemons

If there's one thing that I've learned in life it's that life doesn't care who you are, what you've done or what you will become.  It will throw all that it can at you and see just how long you can stay standing underneath all of the weight.  If life just stuck to throwing lemons, it would be a nice, easy life.  Instead, it throws divorce, pain, fighting, bills, emotional roller coasters and so much more in your face and laughs when you fall.

If there was just one person who cared enough to treat you with respect, love, trust and like the adult you were, would you give them that chance?  If that chance was given to that one person but they blew it, what would you do?  One can only be so much of an adult, however, when someone criticizes that one for trying, that one person is going to be backed into a corner and not know what to do.

I am that one person.
The someone is anyone who backs me into corners or shuts me down.

Throw things, break things, tear things apart - none of that matters, but words....negative, destructive, hurtful words...those matter to me and they're not something I can take lightly.  How can you not see that?  How many more different ways must I tell you?

My mind is running a million miles a second right now.  This isn't the direction I meant to take when I started writing this, so I'm sorry to those who expected something of the usual.  I feel like I'm jumping from one thing to another....

Words are not toys and I know I've mentioned the power and effects of words in past blogs, but I'll state it again: words have a serious lasting effect on a person's life and psyche and can either do some incredible damage or be a great help.  How you choose to use your knowledge of words is all up to you, but if you expect to have friends or people who love to be around you, then you'd better choose the better of the two options.

If you want to say something, but the words will be wrong, degrading or damaging, then take a few of life's lemons and throw them out at me instead.  Words, to me, are more harmful (or helpful) than if you threw lemons at me.

So, throw lemons, but keep your words pointed at me - or anyone else for that matter - at a minimum for damage and at a maximum for encouragement.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

Pained Heart

Every time you write, my heart aches more with the pain of knowing how hard I try to be there and just how much farther you push me away. 
You cannot do this alone.
Every time you write, I see more of what you hide and the pain that's eating you alive.
Let someone in to listen and help hold your burdened heart.
Every time I hear your voice I cringe from the unfathomable amount of hurt that echos from your mouth.
When will you allow someone to listen to that pain?

I don't know how to show you that I'm here, that I've never left since the day we met, but you're hurting and it kills me to watch, to read, to hear you hurting so badly.  To know that there is nothing I can do because of how far away you keep me hurts more than the pain I am dealing with in my own life.

Please....let me help.  At the least, let me listen and help you carry this burden.  Don't force yourself to carry it all alone, it will only hurt you more.

To the best of my knowledge of remembering, I have never hurt you and I never plan to, but if, for some reason, I have hurt you in the past then I am genuinely more sorry than you could ever know.  Please, hurt on your own no more!  I can't bear the sight of you hurting so bad....I can't...I....I can't.  You're precious and you are loved by all who meet you (and if they don't, they've been dropped on their heads too many times, haha) and you are the best example of a true, honest man that I've ever known. 

I can only pray that you read this and give me the chance to help you or at least listen to what's hurting you so. 

The Fight

Tonight's blog is not typical of what those of you who follow along have seen me write.  This blog reflects my heart as of late and it's just something I needed to get off my chest.  So, it's not necessary to read.  It's more of me venting and throwing what some would call 'a fit,' but sometimes everyone needs to 'have a fit' to get things out in the open and to be able to breathe a little.  

This is my breathing a little.

Darkness falls,

Fire reigns,

People cringe and hide away.

Chaos breeds,

Champions die,

Hell has raised itself today.

Light tries to brighten,

Peace rebounded,

Love's tightly under lock and key.

Shadows creep,

Evil mounts,

Goodness crusts but never breaks.

Leaking,

Sneaking,

Undying Love;

Creeping,

Sinking,

Unrelenting Sin.

On and on this battle goes

ensnaring lives to beyond the grave.

Raging long into the night,

lives fall all around,

some with,

and some without

a fight.

As ashamed as I am to admit this, I've lost the will to fight it seems.  I've always been a fighter and pushed myself to be better, to do better, to do more and to never fall; however, this drive to continue this method of fighting has all but died in this battle. 

How much longer can I do this? 

How much more can I drive myself forward before I fall into death's snare?

How much longer will this fighting continue?

Will someone withdraw or is this fight destined to go on forever?

I like to think I'm strong.

I like to think I can handle anything that's thrown my way.

I like to think that no matter what battle I'm thrust into that I can fight and win.

Most of all, I like to think I'm good enough to win this seemingly endless battle.

The truth?  I'm not.

I'm not strong.

I can't handle anything that's thrust my way.

I can't fight and win every, or any, battle.

And I am not good enough to win this seemingly endless battle.

I'm not and I never will be unless I can keep my faith in Jesus strong.

Even if I fall in every single battle, if my faith is strong - even just a thread strong - God will help me through and give me the strength, eventually, to defeat my enemies.

For so long, even more so this year, it has been increasingly harder to fight and I'm afraid I'm going to lose.

Foundations - Trust

If there's one thing I have learned during my twenty-one years of residing here upon this planet called earth, it's that trust and love must coincide.
Where there is not trust, a genuine love is missing as well and where there is not love, a genuine trust is non-existent.

Trust has always been a difficult issue for me to embrace and as I've gotten older, I have seen my friends, especially those I really care about, struggle with it as much, if not more, than I do - and have.  In any relationship - be it a friendship, relationships between family members, marriage, dating, etc. - there must be a foundation.
For the blueprints to a home one always finds a foundation, a cement foundation to keep the rest of the home stabilized and sturdy for any storms that may arise.  It is the same with relationships, however, instead of the foundation being made of cement, it is made of trust.
Relationships built on shaky trust will not last, however, if there is at least a small, but firm, patch of trust within that foundation, the foundation will grow stronger as time goes on.

But, it is not an easy thing nor am I claiming to have mastered it because, trust me, I have a long, long way to go before that feat is anywhere near accomplished.  With the tender care of close friends and family, shaky foundations can withstand even the worst of storms and grow stronger as a result.

Before you give up altogether on friendships you are afraid to try again or to start or even to continue where they'd been left off, remember to check the foundation of the whole thing; if there is even a little bit of solid base stuck under all that mess of a relationship, do not give up but, rather, pursue it and further its growth.

I hope this will be considered by all who browse through this blog and I hope that the foundations of your relationships and friendships will prosper and be strong in genuine trust and love.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

Who Defines Your Worth?

Who do you let define you?  
Do you let others take that task or do you fight to be able to define yourself?  


There is no one who can define you but you and Jesus Christ himself.  Everyone around you - whether or not they mean to - will try to define you in their own terms and that is when you will have to fight to not let those words take hold in your mind.  
No one knows better how to define you than God, but the question you - the question we all must ask ourselves - is will you let Him define you?  Or will you allow the crowd to degrade you and define you all your life even though you know it is wrong?  


How can humans define just how flawed or not your worth is when their own worth is flawed and damaged as well?  They can't.  They have no right and though they will try, and sometimes succeed, to make you feel small in your worth, they are nothing to how your worth is defined by God.  


No one can tell you that you are worthless.
No one can force you to be defined in the way they want you to be.
No one can tell you that you will never amount to anything in this life.
God, after all, is the only one who has this right, the only one who can tell you how much you are worth and the only one who can tell you how much you will amount to in life.  
He won't ever degrade you.
He won't ever tell you that you are worthless.
And He will never tell you that you won't ever amount to anything because, to Him, you are a rare jewel in the rough. 
He says that you will be worth the world to Him and that nothing and no one can ever take that from you.


Will you let Him define you? 
Will you let him show you how much you are worth?
Or will you continue to drown in the lies of the crowd?
When will /you/ learn to define yourself through God's eyes and not your own or the eyes of those all around you?

Hiding Eyes Behind Lies

For those of you who read my blog, I am sure you've been able to figure out by now some of the things going on in my life.  This blog will not be like the others I have written, no; this one, rather, is a poem, but one that many of you will not understand - at least not the way I mean for it to be understood.  Regardless, enjoy.

Bleeding lies encase you,
Damaged hearts surround;
Lost life,
Drowning tears,
Can anyone hear them?


Thoughts remind you,
Tear and bind you;
Pain shines,
Dead eyes,
Why can't you hear her?


Flying through the sea,
Tearing diamond hearts;
Sail away,
Flush time,
Who will find him?


Notes soar through the room,
Sound reverberates all around;
Creation rings,
Music sings,
How loud must they scream to be seen?


Blue skies fading fast,
Sunlight burning dim;
Rain dries,
Thunder pours,
Who will carry her in this storm?


Minds waver thoughtlessly,
Oceans out-run the sands of time;
Eyes hide,
Laughs lie,
Who will see through his disguise?


Masks of new faces,
Folks in faded places;
Dancing stills,
Masks removed,
Hidden behind her eyes she lies,
Yet who will see?

This was not written based upon only my experiences and circumstances, but upon some of my friends' situations as well.  Now, don't take this to be a terrible, depressed poem but, rather, try to read into it deeper than what the surface shows and find a way to apply it to your own lives.

How can you help someone?
If you used faith and time, could you save a life?
If you took the time to see through the mask and into the eyes, how much more would you see?

Think about these questions as you go through your day and see how much more your mind is opened to the pain of those walking beside you down the street, sitting next to you in class or even those blatantly staring you in the face, daring you to find who they really are.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

S[HE] BE[LIE]VE[D]

She believed.
He lied.

A phrase most often used as a reference to boyfriends and girlfriends, however, the meaning of this phrase, for the purpose of this blog, refers to a father and a daughter.

She believed.
She believed in who he was,
She believe in the love he showed,
She believed in the man he said he was, but more importantly, she believed him when he said that he would never leave.

He lied.
He lied about who he was,
He lied about the love he'd shown,
He lied about the man he said he was, but the thing that hurt the most was that he lied when he said that he'd never leave.

Lying has always been the thing I hate the most, the one thing - other than parental rejection and words that are far from affirming - that hurts more than anything.  I never thought anything could ever equal to the hurt of being lied to, however, I was wrong.  {And yes, that will be the ONLY time that will ever be seen in writing.}

Having someone whom you love very much, who has been always been around, and who helped in the creation process of your life, and when that person leaves and lies in the midst of leaving, that's what hurts the most.  Knowing that you're not worth the truth, that everything you've ever known, everything you have been told by that person is a lie. 

The weight of losing a parent is something I never thought I'd have to deal with till I, and my parents, were much older, however, it is a weight currently pressing itself down upon my life.  This pain that I must deal with now is something I could only empathize with some of my friends over, but now, I can sympathize with them.  Mind you, this is not something I ever thought I would have to go through, but here I am in the midst of it. 
In the midst of divorce. 

Divorce, being a word that was never a part of my vocabulary regarding my own life, is now a word that has quickly become a very prominent part of my daily use of words.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

Love Never Quits and Love Never Dies

"When does love stop persevering?
When does love just quit?"
These are the cries of a broken-hearted woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter.
These simple words stand true for all of humanity; they are what we should be asking ourselves daily.

When does love stop loving?
When does love lose the will to fight?
How is it possible for love to cease when love is meant to withstand all impossibilities?

As humans, it is in our nature to love; we cannot go without it.
Our bodies crave it, our minds need to be reassured of it constantly, and our emotions feed off of it daily.
No man or woman can go without love; they will search for it and try to get it in any way they can.

When love is not received, one's mind begins to ask questions such as, "Is there something wrong with me?  What does love really mean?  Will I ever find this so-called "love"?"
But, what happens when love (in the typical sense of the word) can't be found?  Our minds then start wondering, "Who will love me for me?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk

JJ Heller, I believe, portrays the true concept of love and the ever-longing cry of our hearts in this song very well.  We, lowly, sinful humans, cry "Who will love me for me?  Not for what I have done or what I will become.  Who will love me for me?  Cuz  nobody has shown me what love means."
And it's true, no human on earth can show someone genuine love.  Each of us has a picture of what we think love really looks like, but until we get a grasp of one true Love of the world, we will never know what love really means.  However, in the midst of our desperate cries, God responds ever so gently, "I will love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you, I will give you the love that you never knew."

God loves us unconditionally and infinitely, it doesn't matter to Him what we have or have not done, He just simply loves us.  We killed Him, we spit on Him, we hated Him and ignored His teachings, yet still He loves us.  If He can love us still even after all that we put Him through, why is it that we cannot persevere through life's ups and downs and still love each other?

Love never has a reason to quit.  If one quits on their love for others, they know not what true love is.  If one quits on love, they are a coward to perseverance.

How will you love?  Will you persevere or will you quit?

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

The Effects of Words

"You're so stupid."
"Can't you do anything right?"
You're a drunk."
You're worthless."

Drug addict, loser, alcoholic, abuser, rapist, murderer, thief, push-over, incompetent, lazy, ugly.
All of these words and more are the words that we, the human race, use to label others, to degrade them.  Whether we realize it or not, we are embedding it into their minds that they are what we've said they are.  These are the words that we use on them from birth, these are what people become because they've been so embedded in their minds since day one that they know nothing else.  And, be it true or not, they will begin to believe these things to be truth.

Some will claim that words are simply that alone, just words, but words have meaning and each of them can cause real-life consequences.
The words that strike others from out tongues can be detromental to the minds and lives of others, but, if used in a genuine love for the feelings, emotions, and lives of humans in general, words can have a wonderful, life-long effect for the greater good of human life. 

What we speak, whether we mean for them to be good or bad, will bury themselves so deep into the minds of those receiveing them that they will begin to internalize them and will soon start putting those words into action.  People will become that which they are called, if called it repetitively enough, unless they can find the will to realize who they are is not who others say they are, but who God says they are.

Words are not to be toyed with, no, they can have some extreme consequences in the  way that we use them, if we're not careful.  Words are the cause of so many of the problems in our lives today; they are the cause of broken homes, torn relationships, fights, and so many other things.  Words must be used with care so as not to bring about any unnecessary circumstances; to keep the peace between loved ones, co-workers, friends and oneself, one must have an intelligent knowledge of words in the English language and use them as delicately as one would handle an expensive, fragile gem.

To any parents who may be reading this, do not take offense to these words I write, but rather, keep them in mind and take care to remember them in the midst of chaos when it invades your home before something more drastic than a fight ensues. 

To any siblings reading this, remind yourselves every day that your tongues are not to be used as weapons to hurt others, but instead, they should be used as mighty swords to protect the ones we care about.  Use your use of words to preserve the relationships you carry around you now and know that no matter the circumstance, words have a major impact in the outcome.

Words only do the damage that we allow them to do.  If we put a lock and key on our mouths and take care to watch what phrases and words are allows through the gates, then our lives may be much happier and relationships that we love having so may last much longer. 

I do not claim to know everything when I write these blogs, I only write from experience and the things I am learning along the way.  I hope to bless others in what I write and help others through their journey through life. 

Until our next encounter,
Lauren