Lately there's been a lot of things changing in my life and around me. I'm not sure where to begin here, so I guess this will just be a jumbled blog. If you can't follow along, then it's not meant for you to read.
I've begun to delve deeper into regions of my mind I've left vacant for far too long and, as a result, I've been seeing things I should have seen long ago, but was too self-absorbed in my own pain to notice. Never have I been more observant and using my gifts of reading people than now and I'm not in complete control of it at this point in time.
Every day I feel you hurting more and every day I know that you keep silent despite what you should be doing and saying. Though you avoid me like the plague and never say more than a text or two worth of words at a time to me, I still understand what's going through your head....to a degree. I cannot say any more how badly I want to listen to you and help you. I cannot stress any more that I'm here and I don't plan on leaving until you tell me "Leave me alone and never come back!" At that point, yes, I will respect you and leave, but until then, no; I'm staying and I'll do what I have to to make you see that I care and I'm not like everyone else! Do you understand that? Can you let yourself think, know, for one damn minute that someone actually cares and WANTS to help? That someone DOESN'T want to use you as a scratching post to comfort their own wounds??
I'm at a loss for any other words to say to you.....I don't know what else to say or do to help you, to show you that I'm here, that I'm ready to listen, ready to guide you through this, and ready to stay by your side and wait until you feel you can stand again. I just don't know...
This is the way I feel and that won't change unless you make it change. Please listen...it's the only words I have left right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4RcLYUvImI
I've become so numb to my own situation(s) at this point that helping others is all I have anymore and when that's taken, or withheld, if you will, from me, I'm at a complete loss. A part of me is still alive and ready for anything while the other part of me hides away, crouched in the darkest corner of my mind, shaking and unmoving. My heart's been torn so many ways, yet I will never let any of you know. Never. You will never know, never see, how hurt I am or how many times I literally bite my tongue against a whirlwind of words.
And right there's where I'll bite my tongue once more. I will not write like this again. The next blog I write will be in the usual pattern you're all used to seeing here and I will once again hide and wait for someone to REALLY see me.
