I've been thinking a lot lately, so much in fact that it's the reason why I haven't written in so long. I've been thinking about my life; where it's headed, what's going to happen, who am I going to be? As I've been thinking about my own life and all the posibilities that lay ahead of me, I've also thought about my friends and what's to become of them.
Friends I thought I'd never lose have drifted so far that I cannot see them through the fog that has set in. Others I can still see clearly, but the inner scars they've hid for so long have begun to appear on the outside and, despite what is said, I cannot help but feel so helpless in trying to ease their pain. Friends in whom I've confided so much are no longer willing to be around, no longer willing to put forth the effort to having a strong friendship.
Where did things go so wrong? Will they ever be able to be put right again? Were they ever right in the first place? Or was it just a figment of our imaginations that everything was truly in its place at all?
I've wondered about these things for a while now, but have only recently begun to find the words to speak of them.
Painful as it may be, when one takes a stroll through their thoughts, they discover things that have been long hidden. I've been wandering through my thoughts and memories and have found things that I thought I'd gotten rid of a long time ago, but the thing is, one never really gets rid of memories or surpressed thoughts.
It's just that.
We can only surpress the things that we want to no longer associate with, but never will they fully be gone.
But, I've found that in supressing my thoughts from myself and others accomplishes nothing but more hurt and seclusion and really, who wants to live their life out in complete seclusion from those around them? Even in this logic though, I will not just become an open book and give my thoughts permission to leave my head, no; I will still keep a close guard upon my heart and all the thoughts and memories residing within my mind.
Once upon a time I had let my heart be free, my trust was given freely and without fear, and I did not have walls built up to keep everyone out. However, things changed, as they always must, right? Now in this time, my heart is closed off to the public, my trust locked tightly within it and rarely given, and the walls; the walls have been built so high, so thick, so strong that not one brick can be loosed by an outsider.
Or so I thought.
Since my walls had gone up, everyone who was close to me tried, but failed to penetrate through them. But, then I met someone, a good friend of mine who has this uncanny ability to read people no matter what walls they have surrounded their hearts with. Now, I can read people well, but no one that I know has ever been able to read me well at all and I was rather annoyed that he could do it so well. I found myself trusting him and it scared me to think that I could trust someone so easily, so I tried to close myself off from him and my new group of friends, but, lo and behold, they wouldn't back off.
I didn't know what it was about him, but he was different. He was different than any guy I'd met before and he was so much more mature than most I'd encountered. He seemed to understand things more in depth, he could sympathize with a good chunk of events that have gone on in my life, and he empathized with the rest. But, his difference in all that wasn't what made him stand out from the others; it was something from within him.
I didn't know then, but his heart belonged to someone else, he'd given it and let it be filled with love and through that love I saw what I wanted and needed.
He has Jesus and I wanted it.
But, (here's a shocker) I was ridiculously stubborn and wouldn't allow my heart to be healed by this unseen man. I was stubborn for a long time, but finally couldn't handle things on my own anymore, I had to give up my life and my heart to Him. And the change...it was incredible.
But, he never gave up on praying for me to find his Love and to surrender to someone who could better handle all of my issues and pain far better than I could ever dream of doing on my own. Even when I was such a jerk to him, he wouldn't quit; I know it sounds pathetic, but no matter how hard I tried to distance myself from him and the others, they just wouldn't leave.
And people tell me I'm stubborn.
Anyway, back to the topic of thoughts...
Just keep in mind that your thoughts and memories are never fully gone; the bad ones, the ones not wanting to be remembered, are only supressed and the good ones, the ones full of love and happiness, they'll always be there and they'll be there to overpower the bad when they resurface.
Take a wander through your thoughts from time-to-time, you may be surprised at what you find. Take Jesus with you when you stroll through them all though, for you may need someone to share them with. But, just to have someone by your side to comfort you should your thoughts become unbearable on your own is a good enough reason to take Him along for the walk.
Until our next encounter,
Lauren
