The Fight

Tonight's blog is not typical of what those of you who follow along have seen me write.  This blog reflects my heart as of late and it's just something I needed to get off my chest.  So, it's not necessary to read.  It's more of me venting and throwing what some would call 'a fit,' but sometimes everyone needs to 'have a fit' to get things out in the open and to be able to breathe a little.  

This is my breathing a little.

Darkness falls,

Fire reigns,

People cringe and hide away.

Chaos breeds,

Champions die,

Hell has raised itself today.

Light tries to brighten,

Peace rebounded,

Love's tightly under lock and key.

Shadows creep,

Evil mounts,

Goodness crusts but never breaks.

Leaking,

Sneaking,

Undying Love;

Creeping,

Sinking,

Unrelenting Sin.

On and on this battle goes

ensnaring lives to beyond the grave.

Raging long into the night,

lives fall all around,

some with,

and some without

a fight.

As ashamed as I am to admit this, I've lost the will to fight it seems.  I've always been a fighter and pushed myself to be better, to do better, to do more and to never fall; however, this drive to continue this method of fighting has all but died in this battle. 

How much longer can I do this? 

How much more can I drive myself forward before I fall into death's snare?

How much longer will this fighting continue?

Will someone withdraw or is this fight destined to go on forever?

I like to think I'm strong.

I like to think I can handle anything that's thrown my way.

I like to think that no matter what battle I'm thrust into that I can fight and win.

Most of all, I like to think I'm good enough to win this seemingly endless battle.

The truth?  I'm not.

I'm not strong.

I can't handle anything that's thrust my way.

I can't fight and win every, or any, battle.

And I am not good enough to win this seemingly endless battle.

I'm not and I never will be unless I can keep my faith in Jesus strong.

Even if I fall in every single battle, if my faith is strong - even just a thread strong - God will help me through and give me the strength, eventually, to defeat my enemies.

For so long, even more so this year, it has been increasingly harder to fight and I'm afraid I'm going to lose.

Foundations - Trust

If there's one thing I have learned during my twenty-one years of residing here upon this planet called earth, it's that trust and love must coincide.
Where there is not trust, a genuine love is missing as well and where there is not love, a genuine trust is non-existent.

Trust has always been a difficult issue for me to embrace and as I've gotten older, I have seen my friends, especially those I really care about, struggle with it as much, if not more, than I do - and have.  In any relationship - be it a friendship, relationships between family members, marriage, dating, etc. - there must be a foundation.
For the blueprints to a home one always finds a foundation, a cement foundation to keep the rest of the home stabilized and sturdy for any storms that may arise.  It is the same with relationships, however, instead of the foundation being made of cement, it is made of trust.
Relationships built on shaky trust will not last, however, if there is at least a small, but firm, patch of trust within that foundation, the foundation will grow stronger as time goes on.

But, it is not an easy thing nor am I claiming to have mastered it because, trust me, I have a long, long way to go before that feat is anywhere near accomplished.  With the tender care of close friends and family, shaky foundations can withstand even the worst of storms and grow stronger as a result.

Before you give up altogether on friendships you are afraid to try again or to start or even to continue where they'd been left off, remember to check the foundation of the whole thing; if there is even a little bit of solid base stuck under all that mess of a relationship, do not give up but, rather, pursue it and further its growth.

I hope this will be considered by all who browse through this blog and I hope that the foundations of your relationships and friendships will prosper and be strong in genuine trust and love.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

Who Defines Your Worth?

Who do you let define you?  
Do you let others take that task or do you fight to be able to define yourself?  


There is no one who can define you but you and Jesus Christ himself.  Everyone around you - whether or not they mean to - will try to define you in their own terms and that is when you will have to fight to not let those words take hold in your mind.  
No one knows better how to define you than God, but the question you - the question we all must ask ourselves - is will you let Him define you?  Or will you allow the crowd to degrade you and define you all your life even though you know it is wrong?  


How can humans define just how flawed or not your worth is when their own worth is flawed and damaged as well?  They can't.  They have no right and though they will try, and sometimes succeed, to make you feel small in your worth, they are nothing to how your worth is defined by God.  


No one can tell you that you are worthless.
No one can force you to be defined in the way they want you to be.
No one can tell you that you will never amount to anything in this life.
God, after all, is the only one who has this right, the only one who can tell you how much you are worth and the only one who can tell you how much you will amount to in life.  
He won't ever degrade you.
He won't ever tell you that you are worthless.
And He will never tell you that you won't ever amount to anything because, to Him, you are a rare jewel in the rough. 
He says that you will be worth the world to Him and that nothing and no one can ever take that from you.


Will you let Him define you? 
Will you let him show you how much you are worth?
Or will you continue to drown in the lies of the crowd?
When will /you/ learn to define yourself through God's eyes and not your own or the eyes of those all around you?

Hiding Eyes Behind Lies

For those of you who read my blog, I am sure you've been able to figure out by now some of the things going on in my life.  This blog will not be like the others I have written, no; this one, rather, is a poem, but one that many of you will not understand - at least not the way I mean for it to be understood.  Regardless, enjoy.

Bleeding lies encase you,
Damaged hearts surround;
Lost life,
Drowning tears,
Can anyone hear them?


Thoughts remind you,
Tear and bind you;
Pain shines,
Dead eyes,
Why can't you hear her?


Flying through the sea,
Tearing diamond hearts;
Sail away,
Flush time,
Who will find him?


Notes soar through the room,
Sound reverberates all around;
Creation rings,
Music sings,
How loud must they scream to be seen?


Blue skies fading fast,
Sunlight burning dim;
Rain dries,
Thunder pours,
Who will carry her in this storm?


Minds waver thoughtlessly,
Oceans out-run the sands of time;
Eyes hide,
Laughs lie,
Who will see through his disguise?


Masks of new faces,
Folks in faded places;
Dancing stills,
Masks removed,
Hidden behind her eyes she lies,
Yet who will see?

This was not written based upon only my experiences and circumstances, but upon some of my friends' situations as well.  Now, don't take this to be a terrible, depressed poem but, rather, try to read into it deeper than what the surface shows and find a way to apply it to your own lives.

How can you help someone?
If you used faith and time, could you save a life?
If you took the time to see through the mask and into the eyes, how much more would you see?

Think about these questions as you go through your day and see how much more your mind is opened to the pain of those walking beside you down the street, sitting next to you in class or even those blatantly staring you in the face, daring you to find who they really are.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

S[HE] BE[LIE]VE[D]

She believed.
He lied.

A phrase most often used as a reference to boyfriends and girlfriends, however, the meaning of this phrase, for the purpose of this blog, refers to a father and a daughter.

She believed.
She believed in who he was,
She believe in the love he showed,
She believed in the man he said he was, but more importantly, she believed him when he said that he would never leave.

He lied.
He lied about who he was,
He lied about the love he'd shown,
He lied about the man he said he was, but the thing that hurt the most was that he lied when he said that he'd never leave.

Lying has always been the thing I hate the most, the one thing - other than parental rejection and words that are far from affirming - that hurts more than anything.  I never thought anything could ever equal to the hurt of being lied to, however, I was wrong.  {And yes, that will be the ONLY time that will ever be seen in writing.}

Having someone whom you love very much, who has been always been around, and who helped in the creation process of your life, and when that person leaves and lies in the midst of leaving, that's what hurts the most.  Knowing that you're not worth the truth, that everything you've ever known, everything you have been told by that person is a lie. 

The weight of losing a parent is something I never thought I'd have to deal with till I, and my parents, were much older, however, it is a weight currently pressing itself down upon my life.  This pain that I must deal with now is something I could only empathize with some of my friends over, but now, I can sympathize with them.  Mind you, this is not something I ever thought I would have to go through, but here I am in the midst of it. 
In the midst of divorce. 

Divorce, being a word that was never a part of my vocabulary regarding my own life, is now a word that has quickly become a very prominent part of my daily use of words.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

Love Never Quits and Love Never Dies

"When does love stop persevering?
When does love just quit?"
These are the cries of a broken-hearted woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter.
These simple words stand true for all of humanity; they are what we should be asking ourselves daily.

When does love stop loving?
When does love lose the will to fight?
How is it possible for love to cease when love is meant to withstand all impossibilities?

As humans, it is in our nature to love; we cannot go without it.
Our bodies crave it, our minds need to be reassured of it constantly, and our emotions feed off of it daily.
No man or woman can go without love; they will search for it and try to get it in any way they can.

When love is not received, one's mind begins to ask questions such as, "Is there something wrong with me?  What does love really mean?  Will I ever find this so-called "love"?"
But, what happens when love (in the typical sense of the word) can't be found?  Our minds then start wondering, "Who will love me for me?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk

JJ Heller, I believe, portrays the true concept of love and the ever-longing cry of our hearts in this song very well.  We, lowly, sinful humans, cry "Who will love me for me?  Not for what I have done or what I will become.  Who will love me for me?  Cuz  nobody has shown me what love means."
And it's true, no human on earth can show someone genuine love.  Each of us has a picture of what we think love really looks like, but until we get a grasp of one true Love of the world, we will never know what love really means.  However, in the midst of our desperate cries, God responds ever so gently, "I will love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you, I will give you the love that you never knew."

God loves us unconditionally and infinitely, it doesn't matter to Him what we have or have not done, He just simply loves us.  We killed Him, we spit on Him, we hated Him and ignored His teachings, yet still He loves us.  If He can love us still even after all that we put Him through, why is it that we cannot persevere through life's ups and downs and still love each other?

Love never has a reason to quit.  If one quits on their love for others, they know not what true love is.  If one quits on love, they are a coward to perseverance.

How will you love?  Will you persevere or will you quit?

Until our next encounter,
Lauren