Beautifully Hidden From You

I've been wondering a lot of things lately and trying to figure everything out, but it's just not been going the way it needs to be going.  I've been struggling with whether or not God's still there for me or if He's run away like everyone eventually tends to do.  Well, I can't say /everyone/....most everyone, I'll say instead.  

A heart can only hold so much pain and tolerate so much crap.  I've about reached my capacity, but I can't break.  I can't fall.  I have to stay strong for my family and my friends.  Hiding seems to be my only option, yet even when I do that, someone seems to find me.

Beautifully Hidden From You

Hiding in this secret place,

I find You.

Shying away from the word's chaos,

I hear You.

Laying in the darkness,

I feel You.

Eyes blurred and swollen with tears,

I see You.

I find You when I'm hiding from You,

I hear You when I'm not listening.

I feel You when I'm anti-touch,

I see You when I'm blind to everything.

-Fearful to be found as messy as I am, 

The Seeker finds and calls me beautiful.

-Deaf to the world and those who care,

I hear the words He speaks so clearly.

-Afraid of being touched and hurt again,

I feel the arms of The Comforter wrap tightly around me.

-Ignorant of all the beauty around me and the faces in need of grace and love,

I see You in all Your beauty and love.

I find You when I'm running

and wanting to escape it all.

I hear You in the wind's mighty howl, in the storm's raging tears, 

in the dancing trees and the tranquility of the flowers

and in all kinds of nature.

I feel you when I push all others away;

You remain with an unmatched stubbornness.

I see You breaking me down and

tearing through my walls and

I see You as a blinding light through 

my unrelenting, never-ending darkness.

Find me, heal me.

Hear me, love me.

Comfort me, care for me.

See me, help me.

Never leave me; stay here with me.

Guide me through this shadowed wood 

to the twinkle at the boarder.

Until our next encounter,

Lauren

Unspoken And Jumbled Thoughts Finally Brought Into View

Lately there's been a lot of things changing in my life and around me.  I'm not sure where to begin here, so I guess this will just be a jumbled blog.  If you can't follow along, then it's not meant for you to read.

I've begun to delve deeper into regions of my mind I've left vacant for far too long and, as a result, I've been seeing things I should have seen long ago, but was too self-absorbed in my own pain to notice.  Never have I been more observant and using my gifts of reading people than now and I'm not in complete control of it at this point in time.
Every day I feel you hurting more and every day I know that you keep silent despite what you should be doing and saying.  Though you avoid me like the plague and never say more than a text or two worth of words at a time to me, I still understand what's going through your head....to a degree.  I cannot say any more how badly I want to listen to you and help you.  I cannot stress any more that I'm here and I don't plan on leaving until you tell me "Leave me alone and never come back!"  At that point, yes, I will respect you and leave, but until then, no; I'm staying and I'll do what I have to to make you see that I care and I'm not like everyone else!  Do you understand that?  Can you let yourself think, know, for one damn minute that someone actually cares and WANTS to help?  That someone DOESN'T want to use you as a scratching post to comfort their own wounds??

I'm at a loss for any other words to say to you.....I don't know what else to say or do to help you, to show you that I'm here, that I'm ready to listen, ready to guide you through this, and ready to stay by your side and wait until you feel you can stand again.  I just don't know...
This is the way I feel and that won't change unless you make it change.  Please listen...it's the only words I have left right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4RcLYUvImI

I've become so numb to my own situation(s) at this point that helping others is all I have anymore and when that's taken, or withheld, if you will, from me, I'm at a complete loss.  A part of me is still alive and ready for anything while the other part of me hides away, crouched in the darkest corner of my mind, shaking and unmoving.  My heart's been torn so many ways, yet I will never let any of you know.  Never.  You will never know, never see, how hurt I am or how many times I literally bite my tongue against a whirlwind of words.

And right there's where I'll bite my tongue once more.  I will not write like this again.  The next blog I write will be in the usual pattern you're all used to seeing here and I will once again hide and wait for someone to REALLY see me.

Throwing Lemons

If there's one thing that I've learned in life it's that life doesn't care who you are, what you've done or what you will become.  It will throw all that it can at you and see just how long you can stay standing underneath all of the weight.  If life just stuck to throwing lemons, it would be a nice, easy life.  Instead, it throws divorce, pain, fighting, bills, emotional roller coasters and so much more in your face and laughs when you fall.

If there was just one person who cared enough to treat you with respect, love, trust and like the adult you were, would you give them that chance?  If that chance was given to that one person but they blew it, what would you do?  One can only be so much of an adult, however, when someone criticizes that one for trying, that one person is going to be backed into a corner and not know what to do.

I am that one person.
The someone is anyone who backs me into corners or shuts me down.

Throw things, break things, tear things apart - none of that matters, but words....negative, destructive, hurtful words...those matter to me and they're not something I can take lightly.  How can you not see that?  How many more different ways must I tell you?

My mind is running a million miles a second right now.  This isn't the direction I meant to take when I started writing this, so I'm sorry to those who expected something of the usual.  I feel like I'm jumping from one thing to another....

Words are not toys and I know I've mentioned the power and effects of words in past blogs, but I'll state it again: words have a serious lasting effect on a person's life and psyche and can either do some incredible damage or be a great help.  How you choose to use your knowledge of words is all up to you, but if you expect to have friends or people who love to be around you, then you'd better choose the better of the two options.

If you want to say something, but the words will be wrong, degrading or damaging, then take a few of life's lemons and throw them out at me instead.  Words, to me, are more harmful (or helpful) than if you threw lemons at me.

So, throw lemons, but keep your words pointed at me - or anyone else for that matter - at a minimum for damage and at a maximum for encouragement.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren

Pained Heart

Every time you write, my heart aches more with the pain of knowing how hard I try to be there and just how much farther you push me away. 
You cannot do this alone.
Every time you write, I see more of what you hide and the pain that's eating you alive.
Let someone in to listen and help hold your burdened heart.
Every time I hear your voice I cringe from the unfathomable amount of hurt that echos from your mouth.
When will you allow someone to listen to that pain?

I don't know how to show you that I'm here, that I've never left since the day we met, but you're hurting and it kills me to watch, to read, to hear you hurting so badly.  To know that there is nothing I can do because of how far away you keep me hurts more than the pain I am dealing with in my own life.

Please....let me help.  At the least, let me listen and help you carry this burden.  Don't force yourself to carry it all alone, it will only hurt you more.

To the best of my knowledge of remembering, I have never hurt you and I never plan to, but if, for some reason, I have hurt you in the past then I am genuinely more sorry than you could ever know.  Please, hurt on your own no more!  I can't bear the sight of you hurting so bad....I can't...I....I can't.  You're precious and you are loved by all who meet you (and if they don't, they've been dropped on their heads too many times, haha) and you are the best example of a true, honest man that I've ever known. 

I can only pray that you read this and give me the chance to help you or at least listen to what's hurting you so. 

The Fight

Tonight's blog is not typical of what those of you who follow along have seen me write.  This blog reflects my heart as of late and it's just something I needed to get off my chest.  So, it's not necessary to read.  It's more of me venting and throwing what some would call 'a fit,' but sometimes everyone needs to 'have a fit' to get things out in the open and to be able to breathe a little.  

This is my breathing a little.

Darkness falls,

Fire reigns,

People cringe and hide away.

Chaos breeds,

Champions die,

Hell has raised itself today.

Light tries to brighten,

Peace rebounded,

Love's tightly under lock and key.

Shadows creep,

Evil mounts,

Goodness crusts but never breaks.

Leaking,

Sneaking,

Undying Love;

Creeping,

Sinking,

Unrelenting Sin.

On and on this battle goes

ensnaring lives to beyond the grave.

Raging long into the night,

lives fall all around,

some with,

and some without

a fight.

As ashamed as I am to admit this, I've lost the will to fight it seems.  I've always been a fighter and pushed myself to be better, to do better, to do more and to never fall; however, this drive to continue this method of fighting has all but died in this battle. 

How much longer can I do this? 

How much more can I drive myself forward before I fall into death's snare?

How much longer will this fighting continue?

Will someone withdraw or is this fight destined to go on forever?

I like to think I'm strong.

I like to think I can handle anything that's thrown my way.

I like to think that no matter what battle I'm thrust into that I can fight and win.

Most of all, I like to think I'm good enough to win this seemingly endless battle.

The truth?  I'm not.

I'm not strong.

I can't handle anything that's thrust my way.

I can't fight and win every, or any, battle.

And I am not good enough to win this seemingly endless battle.

I'm not and I never will be unless I can keep my faith in Jesus strong.

Even if I fall in every single battle, if my faith is strong - even just a thread strong - God will help me through and give me the strength, eventually, to defeat my enemies.

For so long, even more so this year, it has been increasingly harder to fight and I'm afraid I'm going to lose.

Foundations - Trust

If there's one thing I have learned during my twenty-one years of residing here upon this planet called earth, it's that trust and love must coincide.
Where there is not trust, a genuine love is missing as well and where there is not love, a genuine trust is non-existent.

Trust has always been a difficult issue for me to embrace and as I've gotten older, I have seen my friends, especially those I really care about, struggle with it as much, if not more, than I do - and have.  In any relationship - be it a friendship, relationships between family members, marriage, dating, etc. - there must be a foundation.
For the blueprints to a home one always finds a foundation, a cement foundation to keep the rest of the home stabilized and sturdy for any storms that may arise.  It is the same with relationships, however, instead of the foundation being made of cement, it is made of trust.
Relationships built on shaky trust will not last, however, if there is at least a small, but firm, patch of trust within that foundation, the foundation will grow stronger as time goes on.

But, it is not an easy thing nor am I claiming to have mastered it because, trust me, I have a long, long way to go before that feat is anywhere near accomplished.  With the tender care of close friends and family, shaky foundations can withstand even the worst of storms and grow stronger as a result.

Before you give up altogether on friendships you are afraid to try again or to start or even to continue where they'd been left off, remember to check the foundation of the whole thing; if there is even a little bit of solid base stuck under all that mess of a relationship, do not give up but, rather, pursue it and further its growth.

I hope this will be considered by all who browse through this blog and I hope that the foundations of your relationships and friendships will prosper and be strong in genuine trust and love.

Until our next encounter,
Lauren