i wish I knew how to do better for You.
How to make sure You're happy and proud.
To be able to be as good as You expect -
as good as You're used to.
i am still learning,
mistakes will be made -
it's a part of humanity -
though i feel You feel i ought to
Be above the failures of human nature.
my Mind is broken -
You said You were aware and
that it was alright,
though the feeling i get is
How much You hate the brokenness;
that the trauma and mess isn't
worth Your care.
the failings i make are those of
Unintent, yet You act as though
Intent showed her face for each -
i'll repeat - -
Never would i make them when Intent is near.
i am dragging myself through Sluggish Black,
making Changes i Never thought
i could -
albeThem necessary, They hurt.
i still will make Them.
You steal my heart more and
more each day, i know not why -
i told You i wouldn't go, i like
You, Her....Us -
yet i seem unable to
return the Heart Steals.
Is it me? have i done all wrong?
Tell me, how do i do better?
how do i not hurt You?
Help me understand how to be someone
You can be proud of -
someone worth Your care and time.
26 October 2016
24 October 2016
The Battle in my Head
There are moments where it feels as though everything moves in a Sluggish Black.
Moments like these are when the illness begins its creeping take-over,
where insomnia shows Her ugly face,
when the body aches set in once more and
the Bitch screams louder than the Logic; when the mind becomes an Asylum.
The time between these moments and the "normal" parts of my life seems to be longer with each instance. And even lesser, outwardly, at least, since leaving the home I shared with the Felon.
I wish I could say those moments has dissipated completely, but, alas, I've hit in the beginning stages again.
Breathing becomes a chore, a constant need to remind my Lungs.
The racing thoughts, as disruptive as a swarm of Winged Keys, invade every corner,
They tear through the Happy and Beauty
and giggle as They watch Confidence hit bottom once more.
These are the moments when I need help,
someone to care, to keep me from drowning -
but
To ask something of this caliber when the Money comes to exist
from my responsibility to care for Her?
Unacceptable.
The Care is genuine, however, it feels wrong to need it when Care is my job to give.
It's not my place to fall into the Sluggish Black -
I cannot be Selfish while She is under my Care.
I will write, I will breathe -
Let the moments fight for Air in my mind,
let the Hurt and Tears bleed White and Black -
Moments like these are when the illness begins its creeping take-over,
where insomnia shows Her ugly face,
when the body aches set in once more and
the Bitch screams louder than the Logic; when the mind becomes an Asylum.
The time between these moments and the "normal" parts of my life seems to be longer with each instance. And even lesser, outwardly, at least, since leaving the home I shared with the Felon.
I wish I could say those moments has dissipated completely, but, alas, I've hit in the beginning stages again.
Breathing becomes a chore, a constant need to remind my Lungs.
The racing thoughts, as disruptive as a swarm of Winged Keys, invade every corner,
They tear through the Happy and Beauty
and giggle as They watch Confidence hit bottom once more.
These are the moments when I need help,
someone to care, to keep me from drowning -
but
To ask something of this caliber when the Money comes to exist
from my responsibility to care for Her?
Unacceptable.
The Care is genuine, however, it feels wrong to need it when Care is my job to give.
It's not my place to fall into the Sluggish Black -
I cannot be Selfish while She is under my Care.
I will write, I will breathe -
Let the moments fight for Air in my mind,
let the Hurt and Tears bleed White and Black -
18 March 2016
No means NO!
It isn't a casual invitation to try and change my mind.
No means no.
It isn't me playing hard to get or a chance for you to prove yourself.
No means no.
No means "back off!" not to grab my wrists and try to press your tongue down my throat.
It means I actually want to watch the movie, not watch the ceiling tiles waiting for you to be done.
No means no.
Society says,
"You should've fought back!"
"Why didn't you scream for help?"
"You can't change your mind once he's all excited like that!"
Fuck society!
My body is not a plaything for boys who can't control theirs!
The first time, you asked over and over; a zillion times I said "no!"
A light touch on my arm, another question.
No.
You pull my face toward yours, a kiss, another question.
No.
Silence.
A grope on my breast, your hand sliding down toward my thigh; I push it away saying "no" once more.
Over and over in similar manners the question was raised and amswered with no, until.....no became tired.
I became tired.
A whispered yes escaped my lips while my mind and body still screamed no.
I got my nerve back just before, pushed, said "no, I changed my mind, no!"
You told me it was too late.
You told me it'd feel good.
I watched the ceiling tiles, waiting for you to be done.
No means no.
When I said that, it wasn't a game for you to try to win.
No meant no.
You took my voice that day; how dare you?
I have the right to say "no", to say "yes", then to say "no" again!
Society told me,
"You shouldn't have worn those clothes."
"You walked alone a block and a half, it's your own fault!"
If shorts and a hoodie can cause catcalls from a lone taxi man, then never let your women out of the house!
I should be able to wear what I please without the fear of someone whistling at the way my ass looks while walking to my car!
I should be able to walk a parking lots length without being blocked my a taxi, a man grabbing me, asking for "at least a kiss, baby, just one."
No means no.
If I say "no", respect what I say and back off!
Don't creep closer with tantalizing whispers ("come on baby, it'll feel good" "it won't hurt, you'll like it" "you're so sexy, lemme show you" "don't you love me baby") that send warning shivers up and down my spine!
Don't tell me I'm a bitch when I say "no" and I mean it.
One in five women end up in these situations, where men take "no" as an invitation to "go ahead, come on in, really!"
"'Woe is me' they cry," society says, "it's just another call for attention."
You think we like the attention this drags to our lives? No!
The constant reminder that we can't walk in our favorite city anymore without flashbacks of the night with the taxi man.
The never ending need to check behind us to ease the fear we're being followed.
The paranoia of a man performing a PAP because we won't be safe and he'll take advantage while we're lying in the stirrups.
Yes, we long for this attention, it warms our souls.
No means no!
Get your heads out of your asses, America! Check the facts! Don't write us off as "another statistic with a bad attitude!"
Teach your boys that "no" is not a boundary to push or a game of 'hard to get' to win.
Teach them that no means NO!
No means no.
It isn't me playing hard to get or a chance for you to prove yourself.
No means no.
No means "back off!" not to grab my wrists and try to press your tongue down my throat.
It means I actually want to watch the movie, not watch the ceiling tiles waiting for you to be done.
No means no.
Society says,
"You should've fought back!"
"Why didn't you scream for help?"
"You can't change your mind once he's all excited like that!"
Fuck society!
My body is not a plaything for boys who can't control theirs!
The first time, you asked over and over; a zillion times I said "no!"
A light touch on my arm, another question.
No.
You pull my face toward yours, a kiss, another question.
No.
Silence.
A grope on my breast, your hand sliding down toward my thigh; I push it away saying "no" once more.
Over and over in similar manners the question was raised and amswered with no, until.....no became tired.
I became tired.
A whispered yes escaped my lips while my mind and body still screamed no.
I got my nerve back just before, pushed, said "no, I changed my mind, no!"
You told me it was too late.
You told me it'd feel good.
I watched the ceiling tiles, waiting for you to be done.
No means no.
When I said that, it wasn't a game for you to try to win.
No meant no.
You took my voice that day; how dare you?
I have the right to say "no", to say "yes", then to say "no" again!
Society told me,
"You shouldn't have worn those clothes."
"You walked alone a block and a half, it's your own fault!"
If shorts and a hoodie can cause catcalls from a lone taxi man, then never let your women out of the house!
I should be able to wear what I please without the fear of someone whistling at the way my ass looks while walking to my car!
I should be able to walk a parking lots length without being blocked my a taxi, a man grabbing me, asking for "at least a kiss, baby, just one."
No means no.
If I say "no", respect what I say and back off!
Don't creep closer with tantalizing whispers ("come on baby, it'll feel good" "it won't hurt, you'll like it" "you're so sexy, lemme show you" "don't you love me baby") that send warning shivers up and down my spine!
Don't tell me I'm a bitch when I say "no" and I mean it.
One in five women end up in these situations, where men take "no" as an invitation to "go ahead, come on in, really!"
"'Woe is me' they cry," society says, "it's just another call for attention."
You think we like the attention this drags to our lives? No!
The constant reminder that we can't walk in our favorite city anymore without flashbacks of the night with the taxi man.
The never ending need to check behind us to ease the fear we're being followed.
The paranoia of a man performing a PAP because we won't be safe and he'll take advantage while we're lying in the stirrups.
Yes, we long for this attention, it warms our souls.
No means no!
Get your heads out of your asses, America! Check the facts! Don't write us off as "another statistic with a bad attitude!"
Teach your boys that "no" is not a boundary to push or a game of 'hard to get' to win.
Teach them that no means NO!
07 February 2016
A Year Today
I remember you as a
babysitter, painting our nails
and romping around outside.
Teaching me to somersault,
cartwheel and do handstands.
I remember mud pies and
tree forts in Lapeer. 3 Ninjas
and late night snacks on
the living room floor on a
massive blanket pile.
I remember your first
basketball belly, how excited
you were. The first time
I got to hold the baby and seeing
that huge smile on your face.
I remember when you called
from jail and asked us to pick
you up that first time
after too hard a party night.
I remember the day we came
to get Trinity after the fight -
he bashed you with a chair
till you stabbed his hand.
Baby Trinity screaming in
her carseat the whole time.
I remember taking you to rehab
that first time....and the fifth.
When you said you were done
with that life, Marines boot camp
came next. That started to
shape you into the woman you became.
I remember how you took me aside
when my parents thought I was in
trouble and told me not to make
the mistakes you did. I believed you.
I believed you when you said
you'd changed, that you'd left that
life behind.
No more drugs,
No more abuse taken,
No more lies,
No more running,
No more neglect.
How could you lie to me?
To all of us?
I believed you.
We all believed you.
I remember the last time
I saw you - Ciara's birthday.
Anxious from the work day,
I fed and napped with the baby
and sent you out to mingle.
We talked for a while before,
but I wish it was longer.
What I'd give for just one more minute with you.
I remember when that call came;
It was 1:52pm. While we sat smoking
and talking in his laundry room,
my phone started
ringing - text, text - ringing, ringing - text.
I said I'd get it later, but it didn't stop.
I answered.
"Andrea's dead."
Those words hit me like a
shrapnel grenade to the chest.
Maybe a sick prank? No...no.
My heart sank as I fell to the floor.
Gone....how could you be gone?
When I was told how you left us,
I couldn't process at first....
then I lost it. I was so angry.
The toxicology? All those drugs again?
The knife? How could you?!
You left 5 siblings, 6 adopted one's,
7 children, parents, and a husband!
You left us and you didn't care.
You didn't think about the consequences
you'd leave in your absence, the
mess we'd have to take care of.
I miss you to the point where
I hate you, at times.
Your number still stares at me,
unable to be deleted.
I miss you.
I love you.
My big sister - Andrea.
babysitter, painting our nails
and romping around outside.
Teaching me to somersault,
cartwheel and do handstands.
I remember mud pies and
tree forts in Lapeer. 3 Ninjas
and late night snacks on
the living room floor on a
massive blanket pile.
I remember your first
basketball belly, how excited
you were. The first time
I got to hold the baby and seeing
that huge smile on your face.
I remember when you called
from jail and asked us to pick
you up that first time
after too hard a party night.
I remember the day we came
to get Trinity after the fight -
he bashed you with a chair
till you stabbed his hand.
Baby Trinity screaming in
her carseat the whole time.
I remember taking you to rehab
that first time....and the fifth.
When you said you were done
with that life, Marines boot camp
came next. That started to
shape you into the woman you became.
I remember how you took me aside
when my parents thought I was in
trouble and told me not to make
the mistakes you did. I believed you.
I believed you when you said
you'd changed, that you'd left that
life behind.
No more drugs,
No more abuse taken,
No more lies,
No more running,
No more neglect.
How could you lie to me?
To all of us?
I believed you.
We all believed you.
I remember the last time
I saw you - Ciara's birthday.
Anxious from the work day,
I fed and napped with the baby
and sent you out to mingle.
We talked for a while before,
but I wish it was longer.
What I'd give for just one more minute with you.
I remember when that call came;
It was 1:52pm. While we sat smoking
and talking in his laundry room,
my phone started
ringing - text, text - ringing, ringing - text.
I said I'd get it later, but it didn't stop.
I answered.
"Andrea's dead."
Those words hit me like a
shrapnel grenade to the chest.
Maybe a sick prank? No...no.
My heart sank as I fell to the floor.
Gone....how could you be gone?
When I was told how you left us,
I couldn't process at first....
then I lost it. I was so angry.
The toxicology? All those drugs again?
The knife? How could you?!
You left 5 siblings, 6 adopted one's,
7 children, parents, and a husband!
You left us and you didn't care.
You didn't think about the consequences
you'd leave in your absence, the
mess we'd have to take care of.
I miss you to the point where
I hate you, at times.
Your number still stares at me,
unable to be deleted.
I miss you.
I love you.
My big sister - Andrea.
06 February 2016
Lost Words
the Whirlwind, ever stirring
Unwanted words and Thoughts
never Caring to slow or
see the Pain it leaves In
Its wake -
Why should It?
What would It change?
Would It care, would It reassert Itself
somewhere else?
No.
it never ceases - not Completely -
Its pulse slows to
nearly Dead, but Never does
It fail to Breathe
violent Tornados spin
Faster
faster
always faster -
Sometimes the Words get lost,
can't grab Them to
Save me - They're out of my Control -
lost for now,
Lost forever?
how can I stop It?
When is it Time to Lose?
Why is It so hard to grab Onto
the Pieces?
let me Go - stop the Whirling
Let me Find the Words to speak Again.
09 November 2013
Broken
Falling deeper down -
feeling Restless now
- Can't you see the Chameleon is
playing Tricks again
wide Open eyes
yea i'm Stronger Inside -
this World wants a Game, i'll
Put on a real good Show
just Try and hold Me back and
i Promise you Will Burn
i'm Numb to all the Casualties
lying at my Feet
Here i go Again -
Inside my Fears are catalyzed
- i'm not safe
but somehow I know, I am better now
Better now
Chained -
feeling Restless now
- Can't you see the Chameleon is
playing Tricks again
wide Open eyes
yea i'm Stronger Inside -
this World wants a Game, i'll
Put on a real good Show
just Try and hold Me back and
i Promise you Will Burn
i'm Numb to all the Casualties
lying at my Feet
Here i go Again -
Inside my Fears are catalyzed
- i'm not safe
but somehow I know, I am better now
Better now
Chained -
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