The darkness comes and goes in waves. One day, or for several days, weeks even, I can be happy and lively and then *BAM!* I'm not okay anymore. The waves comes crashing in and there's no stopping it. Some of those stormy days are worse than others. Some days bring a tsunami. And what's worse, is there's no telling how long the darkness will stay each time it comes around. It could be one day or several days before it leaves until the next time.
Sometimes I can see a small light in the distance, as if I'm in a tunnel of some sort, but never can I reach it. The darkness always traps me and until that fog breaks, I'm incapable of drawing anywhere close to that tiny ball of light. That light gives way to brighter days and leaves sleepless nights behind - it's a beacon of happiness, a bomb just waiting to explode and destroy the darkness. There are times where the light is inches from my grasp, but something holds me back each time and I can't reach it. But, there are also times where my fingertips just barely graze the surface of the illuminating orb and I change and feel so much better, lighter, and happier for a while.
Until the darkness envelops me once more and I retreat, again, into the darkest corner of my heart.
In this place, I find myself longing for the blood to spread along my knife once again or for the tiny flame to heat the metal before it's pressed against my skin, but no; I won't give in. I won't let these wild desires dominate my soul. They will not win.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong....
....over and over these words play in my mind. Maybe if I say them enough, I'll begin to believe my own words.
Sometimes I can see a small light in the distance, as if I'm in a tunnel of some sort, but never can I reach it. The darkness always traps me and until that fog breaks, I'm incapable of drawing anywhere close to that tiny ball of light. That light gives way to brighter days and leaves sleepless nights behind - it's a beacon of happiness, a bomb just waiting to explode and destroy the darkness. There are times where the light is inches from my grasp, but something holds me back each time and I can't reach it. But, there are also times where my fingertips just barely graze the surface of the illuminating orb and I change and feel so much better, lighter, and happier for a while.
Until the darkness envelops me once more and I retreat, again, into the darkest corner of my heart.
In this place, I find myself longing for the blood to spread along my knife once again or for the tiny flame to heat the metal before it's pressed against my skin, but no; I won't give in. I won't let these wild desires dominate my soul. They will not win.
I am strong.
I am strong.
I am strong....
....over and over these words play in my mind. Maybe if I say them enough, I'll begin to believe my own words.
I love how this is written and I love how strongly I can relate to it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mari! I post a lot of things in hopes that my readers will be able to relate to it, or at least understand it, in some way in their own life so this is so encouraging to hear that I'm doing what I've wanted to do! :3
ReplyDelete